Ho Ho Hoping

So I was all prepared to be doing the "we're next" dance this month, and enjoy the holidays. It has not exactly worked out that way. I learned that some people had essentially been "skipped over" in the last two batches (for a variety of reasons, none of which would affect us in theory). Then, I learned that some people with LIDs after us did receive referrals in the last batch. Now I'm simply worried that all bets are off when it comes to the CCAA. I'm still staying mostly optimistic. I'm not wallowing in uncertainty or despair. But I do have the occasional twinge of what if we don't get a referral in the next batch?, which wouldn't have even occurred to me a month or so ago. My bigger issue seems to be a distinct lack of Christmas spirit this year... Does Christmas become just another day once you've left the nest and before you have kids around? The holidays with my side of the family are so quiet. Since my dad died about 10 years ago, it's just me and my husband, my sister and her husband, and my mom. We eat, drink and open presents, but it just feels a little empty, and very quiet. Now, with my husband's family, it's a different story. There are four kids in the picture (his sister's kids), and more siblings and spouses. It's just noisy and hectic and feels more like it should. It makes me sad, because my mother used to be all about Christmas. Contributing small amounts to a Christmas Club account all year so she could buy us nice gifts, putting up the tree right after Thanksgiving, bringing out cherished Christmas albums (Vienna Boys Choir at the top of the heap), planning the Christmas Eve buffet... And she would love to have the hectic chaos that I get to enjoy at my in-laws. But, like me, biological kids weren't in the picture for her. So she and my dad adopted their two girls (i.e. my sister and I), rather than having the big brood of kids I know she dreamed about. Not that she doesn't love my sister and I -- we are close, and we couldn't love each other more, really... But it's not the family she dreamed of, which I definitely understand. I'm forever struggling with expectations vs. reality. Just because a situation isn't quite how you expected, doesn't mean it isn't liveable, or even sometimes quite wonderful. When we first struggled with the oh-so-annoying "unexplained infertility," I would cry whenever a new friend or co-worker announced their pregnancy. I whined and moaned and "why me'd" day and night. I was so angry, so incredibly angry. Now, at 41 (ouch, hurts to type that number), I am amazed at how I have come to peace with our journey to becoming a family. I'm not sure other people quite believe me when I say that I'm happy that this is the route we are on to become a family. I'm no longer sad or angry when other people announce a pregnancy. In fact, getting pregnant at this point would initially upset me greatly; even break my heart a little. I'm just so excited about our little girl. I'm scared about some of the issues involved in International Adoption, but it's actually a good scared. I know we're not completely prepared, but we're getting there. It comes down to what feels right, and this feels right to me now. It feels like this is what we were meant to do -- how we were meant to become a family. Just like my parents, and how they grew their family. I can't imagine having any other parents. And I can't imagine having any other child than the one we're waiting for right now. What I think really deflated my holiday bubble are the new regulations announced by CCAA. They might mean that we are not able to add to our family after daughter #1. The new age requirements might rule us out -- and by just a week or two. I'm trying not to get too discouraged, and there still might be a chance. And I do believe that people who want to expand their family, and who are ready and able to do so, find a way to make it happen. That's not a bad holiday wish to hang on to. On that note, I think I'll go curl up on the couch with my husband and watch It's a Wonderful Life for the 100th time.