Becoming a better person -- the hard way

They say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," and I'm actually starting to believe it. Frightening, huh? When our initial 6- to 7-month wait for a referral turned into 9 months, 10 months, 12 months, and now almost 14 months, I started to lose my grip. You don't have to read too many of my previous posts to see that I was on the edge much of the time. Well, I'm back to a good place, and I'm starting to think that the longer wait has turned out to not be a bad thing. Notice that I'm not going quite so far as saying that it's a GOOD thing, just not all bad. With the longer wait, I have had more time to really absorb how much our lives are going to change. I've had time to read more about adoption, attachment, parenting. I've had time to do more with my friends, my mom, my husband. I've had time to prove myself a little more at the office (and to my new boss), before disappearing for 12 weeks. I've had time to sign up for a Mandarin class. I've had time to do the nursery slowly. I've had time to meet others in the adoption community (some that I've even met online!). Most of all, I've had time to really appreciate how much I'm ready to be a mother and how much we really, really want this child. It sounds simple and obvious -- of course we're ready and want this, why else would we be doing it, right? Of course that's true, but the waiting has heightened the readiness, increased the want. I know we will appreciate our child so much, really appreciate what a gift she will be in our lives. Now if referrals are a huge disappointment again this month, I might take this all back and fall down into the dark hole again. But today, right now, I feel good. Positive. Full of anticipation (and a little panic) about becoming a mother. I'm just going to hold this feeling close for a while and hope it lasts.