Sink or Swim

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I've never been good at the limbo...

I remember 8th grade roller skating parties like they were yesterday. I was really good at roller skating -- I could even skate backwards. Strangely, this never seemed to translate to roller blading, which I basically suck at. But in all my rollergirl glory, I never mastered the limbo. Hated the music, and I couldn't skate under that damn bar other than at the maximum height. And I'm still not good at limbo. Waiting, wondering, having things out of my control... Not my forte' at all. Every time someone asks how the adoption is going, I know they are just being kind and wanting to show interest. Really I do. But I'm out of answers, and I'm losing my ability to grin through it. Part of my melancholy of late stems from my birthday -- always a time of reflection and wondering for me. When I turned 40 last year, I said I didn't need candles on my cake. This was the year where I finally would have it all -- everything I had ever wished for. My husband is, like most, deeply flawed and often drives me crazy. But I adore him like I've never adored anyone, and he continues to be the match for me that I never knew existed. My job is good; I make more money than I thought I would with an MA in advertising. We have a nice home in a great neighborhood, and my friends are the best. This was the year where it would finally come together with the child we have wanted so much. Am I putting too much weight on having a child completing the picture? You bet. I'm sure I am setting myself up for a big dose of post-adoption depression and all that it entails. But I can't help it. I am so ready to be a parent. I have been ready for a long time. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy our life now -- I really do. We've traveled a lot, been extremely social, and really enjoyed our time as a couple. But it's been time to expand our family for a while, and the uncertainty of the timing continues to wear at me and dull the edges of my life. I just feel blank too often. Lethargic and unable to get excited about things in my life, or even in other people's lives. I'm lonely in my sadness, just very lonely. It doesn't help that I'm currently traveling for business. Nothing is lonelier than business travel. Waiting in airports, being on planes, staying in hotels, working from strange offices where nobody knows you. No chit-chat, no coffee talk. OK, it's time to call for a car and order room service. I hope the book I brought is good, so I can escape for a while.

OK, I need to find another topic to blog about for a while... Any suggestions?


Blogger SunnyIce said...

Hi there! Read your comment on RQ and felt that it could be me, if I could write better. Had to check out your site and found it mildly frightening-pretty dang close to being me! :) I live across "the" river and my husband and I actually go to a liberal little Episcopal church. I had meant to check out St. Joan's for ages, but turns out that we are happy were we are are and have a great supportive community.
Anyway, hello.
Our LID is 12/19/05, so a few months behind you, which could turn into a few years at this rate! Fingers will be crossed that you get your referral before the end of the year.

All the best. Trying to set up my Blog, but should have left it to my husband-haha.

10/12/2006 03:41:00 PM  
Blogger Emanual said...

Hi Lee: I definately could have written that - word for word. I will just tell you, when you finally get your referral (and you will get it) it's even sweeter than you are anticipating . . . it actually does cure all those blues!

10/15/2006 09:47:00 PM  

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