Getting Back Into the Swim

OK, I'm amazed when I visit the blogs of my fellow travelers and find so many wonderful posts. I am having a hard time finding the time, energy and words to talk about our trip and our daughter. I've journaled quite a bit about our trip on my family website, so I'm not going to do a complete re-hash. I guess I'll talk about some of the things that are harder to express, so be kind. Our trip was more of an experience than I expected. Guangzhou was fascinating. So much of it was beautiful, all of it was interesting, and I would love to go back when we could really see it fully, we saw such glimpses and snapshots in this trip. But I've never been on a trip where I felt like I missed so much, like I did on this trip. We didn't shop much; we didn't explore much. What we did, of course, is become parents. It seems like such a simple thing to say, but it was beyond my expectations in almost all good ways. When they put E in my arms, she was fast asleep, and she stayed asleep for at least 45 minutes. So it was hard to have much of a bonding experience, or any experience for that matter! She was groggy most of the day, and slept so much. For the first couple of days, E just watched us -- us and everything around her. She was quiet, thoughtful, shy and always sleepy. By the third day, she started coming out of her shell. Giggles followed, along with much banging of toys. I enjoyed her so much, but the new parent thing was quite staggering for me. I felt over my head, and unsure of what to do, what to feel. The other parents seemed to be adjusting so quickly (of course, we were the only first time parents in our group). I'm still feeling my way, but I'm trusting myself more. And our little girl is truly a marvel. No longer shy (still very, very curious!), she crawls up a storm, babbles, plays quite vigorously, sleeps very soundly (after extensive persuasion), pulls herself up to stand (and will probably walk within a month), and mimics us quite readily. She can lift both arms to say "hooray," clap and wave bye-bye. She says Baba relatively easily, and Mama when it works to her advantage (i.e. not wanting to take a nap). I feel like attachment is going well for all of us. R is such a natural father, I am floored by him every day. He is far better at getting her to calm down and go to sleep, and he is endlessly fascinated by her every breath. It sounds like such a cliche', but I have fallen in love with him all over again. E and I have a more complex relationship. She always reaches out for me, and generally prefers being with me, but she also tests me more. We play a lot. I challenge her, and we roughhouse a little, which she loves. After a few minutes of playing on her own, she always checks back in with me for a hug, which is bliss. She will readily make eye contact with me when I feed and change her. I read to her a lot, and talk endlessly, naming everything in her sight. But I am not completely relaxed with her, and she senses it and sometimes takes advantage of it. For example, she will rarely go to sleep for me, but R has success every time. I'm working on it, but being a mother is more complicated than I thought. It's not just about loving her, which is effortless. I need to find peace with my skills and instincts and not worry every moment about the life we are giving her. We will do the best we can -- I will do the best I can. Does every mother always worry about whether that is enough? Anyway, this is a rambling post that doesn't pick up very well from where I left off, but it's where my head is at the moment. Don't misinterpret my ramblings -- I am so in love with this child, and enjoying motherhood greatly. I just need to unclench a little...