Ten Random Things

I just can't seem to find it in me to post more than once every week or so. I write posts in my head, usually while lying in bed, but finding the time or inclination to actually pound them out on the keyboard doesn't seem to happen. Here are a few things that have been rattling around in my head. Yes, I know, they are completely random and unrelated, but that's how my brain works, ok? 1. E has become a bag lady. She is in love with empty paper grocery sacks. She will carry them around for quite some time, which I've learned is extremely handy for putting away said groceries. Note the James Dean look she has going on -- I removed the pack of Marlboros she had rolled up in the sleeve before I took the photo... 2. My previous boss got laid off last week. I saw it coming, and I think he did too. I hope he did anyway. He wasn't a great manager, but he was a great advocate for me, and he was such a good person. That may sound like an inconsequential quality in a manager, but my new boss, um, not so much a swell guy. He and I just don't get each other, and he is all business all the time. But he called me to make sure I knew that I wasn't in any danger of being laid off, reiterated how valuable I am, yada yada. It was all very rehearsed and patronizing. Anyway, I have a meeting with him this week to see how all the layoffs and voluntary departures in my department might affect me. I feel like I might have a little power to ask for things, but I'm struggling with what to ask for at the moment. It's not exactly ideal timing to ask for a promotion or new/more responsibility. Mostly, I want to solidify my new 4-day work week, which is supposedly on a trial basis. Since one of my daycare options for the fall only offers M-Th, it's more than a trial for me. 3. E is freakin smart. OK, everyone thinks their kid is smart, but she's been amazing this past week. She knows where her nose, ears and belly button are, and her vocalization is sounding more and more like talking. Her awareness and ability to learn things at lightening speed is both wonderful and terrifying. But she still won't chew her food, so maybe I'm overestimating her brilliance. 4. E had a mommy/clingy week last week, and it was wearing me out. I love her more than anything, but I was having a hard time not rolling my eyes and sighing like an exasperated teenager when she would lift her arms and cry for me for the 100th time in a five minute period (generally while making her a meal or bottle). Hard to get anything done, including get a glass of water. Also very hard to know just how much to let her whine and cry, but I am getting much better at knowing what is really a wounded cry, and what is outright whining. 5. Speaking of whining, E generally shows a preference to be with me, but she doesn't play as nicely with me as she does with my husband. She will always behave for him, and play like a perfect angel, but with me, she can deliberately test my patience with behavior she knows will get her in trouble (mainly whapping mommy). Of course, my husband has never-ending patience, so that's probably the difference. 6. I'm feeling a little guilty that I don't want to stay home. OK, maybe guilty isn't it, but it feels like I should want to stay home with E and be beyond sad that I have to go back to work. It will be very hard to go back next month, but I am also looking forward to it. I'm good at my job, and it gives me a lot of satisfaction. Plus, I feel very out of touch at home. I try to meet friends for coffee and lunch (which E seems to really enjoy too, most of the time), but it isn't the same. I would love to stay home for six months, but I know I couldn't do it full time, all the time. Which leads me to... 7. My husband is taking the summer off to stay home with E. This will be interesting, and I hope fabulous for both of them. I'm thrilled we don't have to do daycare yet, because she isn't ready. Plus, R will learn so much about taking care of her -- things he'd never learn while I'm at home -- particularly how to multitask and get things done. 8. I have two great daycare options for fall. One is an in-home, and she for sure has a space. She's perfect, although expensive. The other is a center that is unlike any center I visited, and has me at the top of their waiting list. Fantastic nurturing atmosphere, great ratios and teachers who are grown-ups and all have degrees in something child-related. I need someone who knows MORE than me please! 9. The blogging community has been bizarre these past few weeks. Chew/Jen lit up the boards with her tragic story, another blog I read regularly had a barrage of comments flying back and forth about bonding with/loving adopted vs. bio kids, and several bloggers I have enjoyed for months are hanging it up. I have such a small readership that I don't think I will encounter much flaming, but I also want to start talking about more things that I'm wrestling with going forward -- things I know people will disagree with, and it's clear that the blogging world is not always kind. I've been a little bit of a shiny-happy blogger, and it is more of my nature to not want to offend people. But I don't want to hold back on topics either. I need to think about what I want to get out of this blog a little more... 10. Baths are suddenly going very well, but naps are not. She has slept through the night every night since she starting really walking (so for three weeks now), and she usually wakes up happy and content in the morning (sleeping 8 p.m. - 7 a.m.). Naps are a different story. Sometimes, she will nap beautifully for two hours, but often, she will sleep just 40-50 minutes and then she will either start this heartbreaking sobbing while she's still half asleep, or wake up screaming and crying with wracking sobs, and only mommy can soothe her. Today, we went for a long walk at noon, and she took a beautiful stroller nap for over an hour. Bliss. Wish inapping was more consistent, but hey, sleeping through the night is nothing to sneeze at. Speaking of, she is sleeping soundly, and I'm going to have a cocktail and snuggle with my husband. Enjoy a last photo, and yes, I am so proud that not only does she clearly have carrot residue around her mouth (how did I miss that?), but she is playing with a Happy Meal toy. E does not get Happy Meals, but mommy does...

A very full week

I am exhausted after six days of out of town visitors. E was baptized on Sunday, and it was the first time many in the family met her. I've been both anticipating and dreading this, since I knew it would be hectic, schedule-free and disorganized. It is good to know I can still be pleasantly surprised. Not only did E completely charm everyone, but she mostly stayed on her eating and sleeping schedule. I'm not always 100% excited about it, but E really turns on the personality in groups (like when I've visited my office). It's almost like she's performing -- mostly I think she just adores the attention. With our families, she just seemed thrilled to have so many people playing with her. She didn't reach out for people, or want to be held by them much, but she reveled in having her little cousins act silly to make her laugh (they were quite successful in general), and in her aunts and uncles exclaiming over her every sound and move. The look on her face when she would clap, and then 20 people would exclaim and clap in return was completely priceless. She's ruined for hanging out with the likes of us. We don't worship her nearly enough! The baptism was really emotional for me. First, I am excited to have her grow up in our church, since I think it embraces the best parts of Christianity/Catholicism. I've written about it before, but I'm so impressed with how St. Joan's cuts through all the crap that can bog religious worship down, and challenges people to really look at what it means to be a Christian. OK, I won't digress since that's a whole 'nother post... Anyway, the ceremony of the baptism just choked me up completely. We were standing there with several other families, and the priest starts by asking each one "what name do you give this child...?" And I was swept away with feelings. From there, I could barely hold it together, and I wasn't completely sure why. It just brought all these feelings to the surface -- all the wanting and waiting and hoping, and all the wonderful support we received from the family and friends standing behind us. Sufficed to say, it was a more momentous day than I expected. I got to spend time with my dearest friend Kim, which is rare anymore. My sister and her husband reminded me of how great my family can be when we're choosing to be so. My mother is still wearing her new grandmother status like a flashing beacon, and it doesn't annoy me yet. Yet. And R's family was wonderful and generous and appropriately in awe of the amazing E. Bliss, just bliss. And we've had a few major eating breakthroughs just today, which is very exciting. E accepted a few bites of her Mickey Mouse pancake at breakfast (I ordered it for her knowing I would be the one eating it, don't judge). OK, it was pretty doused in maple syrup, but still, she has never accepted anything remotely resembling solid food that requires chewing before. Later today, she had a few small pieces of Trader Joe's cheesy corn puffs too. In case you are thinking that we never give her anything remotely nutritious, I'll also add that we rewarded her with her first few bites of ice cream! We'll do better tomorrow, I promise. But hey, she's chewing a little, and I could just do a little dance of joy, so clam up on the food judgements, ok? Of course, more food leads to more other things too, right? I've been telling people that "hey, changing diapers isn't so bad" for a few weeks now, not realizing that we were dealing with diapers from a body that wasn't eating much beyond formula. Now that she is eating all SORTS of things, I am, along with E's diapers, full of crap! Yow that girl can poop! But changing diapers still isn't as horrible as I'd worried. Life is mostly good, and E is beyond delightful. I still have my moments where I snap at her and then feel the most intense guilt and shame. And when she is playing nicely with her Baba, I sometimes hide in the bedroom and surf online much more than I should. All is not perfect, and I can see that toddlerhood is going to test me but good. But we're coming up on two months since we've met her, and she already owns such a huge part of my heart and soul. How does it happen so quickly? And how do I get her to stop changing from a baby into a toddler quite so fast? Must be time for a glass of wine.

Where is the little girl I carried...?

OK, it might be a hair early to start on "Sunrise, Sunset" but the changes the past few days in E have blown me away. First (and really best) is that she hugs, really hugs us. Wraps her little arms around our necks and buries her face in our shoulders with sighs of happiness. Best. Feeling. Ever. Second is the laughter. She has always been a giggler when happy and excited, but now we get true peals of laughter out of her. And it is incredibly strange what seems to inspire it. R has had the touch, first getting her to squeal on and on with delight over how he can make the empty Quaker oatmeal container spin and dance on the floor. This threw her into spasms of giggles and outright belly laughs. And yesterday, when my mom was here, R got her going again, this time over a pen. Yep, that's our complex girl, entertained by a pen. But she was beyond giggling. He would hide and twirl and play with the pen right in front of her face, and she would stamp her feet and howl with laughter. Thank goodness for camcorders. And you'll notice from the photo that she worked up quite a sweat over it as well! Finally, E is really starting to walk now. This one gets the most mixed feelings from me, since it signals a real transition into toddler-hood, before I'm ready to lose my baby. She has been taking steps for over a week, but again this weekend, she really hit the ground running. Five steps, then seven, then ten... She will walk steadily from one person to another, even from one room to another if that's the only route to get to me (you know how I love that, right?). If she gets unsteady, she stops, regains her balance, and continues to walk. She can even stop and change direction now. But most impressive to me is that she will pull herself up from a sitting position into a walking position. She doesn't need help standing, or even a piece of furniture to pull herself up. Those are some strong and sturdy little legs. The eating is getting a little better, she adores yogurt and pureed carrots, and my goodness, does she love her prunes. Heh, considering the mighty force that is her gas, not sure that is a great thing. E continues to love music (especially baby-friendly videos viewed from her own little chair) and pictures (which is the only reason she seems to tolerate books unfortunately), and she actually slept through the night last night with no wee-hours-of-the-morning feeding. Probably all that power walking. And her favorite item in her Easter basket was her toy recycling truck. Note that the displeasure in the photo is definitely about the ears, not about the Easter basket. Yes, we do occasionally use her for our own amusement. Seems only fair. All the changes and advancements are exciting, but I do wish she wouldn't grow up quite so fast...