Some questions are bigger than others...

I've been thinking about this post over at American Family all morning. It is impossible not to wonder about E's story, and what the situation truly was with her birth parents. And it is heartbreaking to think that we will probably never know. On Mother's Day, it crossed my mind that I hardly ever think about my own birth mother anymore. But this lack of wondering only happened after I met her and knew my own adoption story. E isn't likely to receive that gift. I know what it is like to wonder, romanticize and even at times dramatize a birth story that is unknown. I was a child who often made up stories (ok, truth be told, I was a bit of a liar), and being adopted lent itself to some whoppers. In one, I related that I knew my birth parents had ended up getting married, and I probably had full siblings out there somewhere. I think this stemmed from my lack of connection at the time with my own sister. In another, I fabricated a near abortion drama, and a last minute change of heart. Of course, I knew nothing at all. My mother had a little index card where she had carefully written down the few precious details Social Services had shared. I knew that both of my birth parents were of German decent (30+ years later, I learned there was a lot of Polish heritage too). They both had brown eyes, which was remarkable since I have blue-green eyes. They were relatively tall. She was 20, he was 18. I envisioned two college students in love; torn apart by strict parents. Turns out I was so very off the mark. Ah well. I know what it is like to wonder, but I don't know what E will wonder about in her own birth story. The situations are so incredibly different. Will she wonder if it was a coerced situation? Will she feel like she was stolen from her home and her heritage? Will she feel anger toward her birth parents for abandoning her? I try to read blogs and other writings from adult international adoptees. I know that I cannot assume that E will always be happy with her lot in life. I don't want to over-dramatize the situation either, but abandonment is such an awful word and concept. How could a child not have intense and complicated feelings about a story that starts with being abandoned? An abandonment that was very likely not the desire of the birth parents. An abandonment that ideally should not have had to happen. My birth mother made a choice, a very conscious choice for adoption. She later made that same choice with a second unplanned pregnancy. The more I know and love E, the more I ache for her birth parents. They will never have the chance to know this amazing child they created. And if it breaks my heart, how could it not break hers?

Mother's Day

Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day as a mother. I didn't think it would happen when I was creaky in the knees and starting to grey at 41, but it was a memorable day nonetheless. E blessed us with a little extra sleep this morning, so I actually read two sections of the paper. And R made breakfast, which is always a treat. At church, E flirted, squinty-smiled, and shook fingers (a new fascination) with the row behind us. The opening song involved kids singing and doing the hand motions for the song L-O-V-E. Suddenly I was crying. Being a mother sinks in a different times and to different levels for me, and today it obviously settled in pretty deep. I generally spend Mother's Day with my own mom, most recently in conjunction with my sister as a girl's weekend. And at church, I would look around at the other moms who would smile in response to the nice sermon praising their virtues, and I would think "Next year. Next year, I will be a mother." Now it's finally true -- I am a mother. An obvious thing, I know, but some days it just seems so matter-of-fact, while other days it really hits me in a "wow" kind of way. I look back to when R and I were dating, and I could not fathom that 8 years later, we would be newly home from China with our daughter. Sometimes, it actually seems quite unreal and even absurd. But generally it all fits into place in such a normal, everyday way. I thought a lot about mothers today, of course, but thinking about E's birth mother throws me into such disarray. For me, there is no right way to feel about her, because I will probably never know her story. Grateful seems misguided. Grateful that a child was abandoned? That would seem the ultimate insult. And it's hard not to resent a government or family that pushes women into horrible choices. But do I even know she was pushed? I try so hard not to project what I think I would feel or do, but I always think about her with the deepest sorrow. I want her to know that E is beautiful and strong -- full of mischief, personality and endless affection. I want her to be reassured that E is healthy, happy and will receive education and opportunity that she might not have had in her home country. It all comes down to that word -- might. Her birth mother certainly must wonder what might have happened to her daughter. And I will always wonder what her life might have been like if she'd been raised in China by her birth mother or another family. Always wondering about what might have been...

But today was about what is real right now, not about what might have been. We played, and giggled and walked endlessly in the apparently not-so-frightening grass. E ate a real child's portion of lasagna and drank a decent amount of milk at a neighborhood restaurant (for us and our eating issues, this was huge). And we enjoyed a wonderful day as a family. Now I'm crying again, but I'm smiling too. All I can say is thank you to E for making me a mom.

Things I'm Chewing On

I'm finding that while I'm home, I really don't have that much to write about. E offers new delights each day, don't get me wrong. The latest is that she has new words -- up, hi and bye to add to Mama and BaBa (although sometimes R is DaDa, and I don't even know where she heard that). And she is sleeping like a champ -- 2+ hour nap yesterday and working on a good one today, plus 12+ hours of sleep two nights in a row. Growth spurt or new pattern? Who knows... It's just that there is such a sameness to the days, and I'm not doing so well with that. I don't feel productive in the sense that housework doesn't give me a sense of accomplishment. I know that being with E is productive, but it isn't always enough. Next week, I'm back to work, and I head back with a mixture of dread and relief. I do really dread leaving her, since I know I will miss so many small changes and developments. Plus, she's just a joy to be with. But there is relief too. Relief that R is home with her all summer, so we don't have to do daycare for three more months. But mostly relief to have the stimulation of being at work again. I really don't even feel guilty about it, and I know E and her Baba will have a great summer. Shoot, maybe I'm jealous? OK, I know I'm not... Another thing I'm chewing on at the moment is E's eating. Not sure what is going on there. She is finally eating a few things that are more solid -- more "real" food that is, but it is one step forward, two steps back at this point. As a recap, when we brought her home, she had never had solids, and wouldn't let us put a spoon in her mouth, so she has made HUGE progress in this area. Now she definitely wants a taste of whatever we're having, and she has gladly sampled and enjoyed veggie sausage, eggs, cheese, fruit, crackers, ravioli, veggie booty and even turkey bacon. (FYI, we are not health nuts, she has also had ice cream, pizza and chocolate chip cookies on occasion). The trouble is that she still doesn't really chew her food. When we met E, she just had four teeth -- two top center, and two bottom center. And she still has only those four teeth. Not super conducive for chewing, and she mostly moves the food around in her mouth until it dissolves sufficiently to swallow. This takes quite some time for each bite of anything substantive (i.e. more than banana puffs or veggie booty). Quite some time. She is definitely bored (and fussing and crying) with eating long before she has consumed enough calories for a small canary to survive. And now that she has a taste for said real food, baby food just doesn't cut it. Even the much-loved Malt-O-Meal got the sniff of disdain at breakfast. I am trying very hard not to obsess about the eating thing, and I know she won't starve. But the belly hasn't been full of much besides formula and yogurt (still immensely popular thank goodness) in several days. C'mon teeth, we need you! The other thing I'm chewing on is far more weighty than the eating issue. It's the only child issue. There's a strong change that E will be an only child, and it has me conflicted and troubled on many levels. I'm not ready to post more about it, but I will when I can do so a little more thoughtfully. So that's what I'm chewing on at the moment. And hey, thanks for a nice number of comments on the last post. Great to hear from everyone! And in case you were wondering, you CAN carry your child around in a grocery sack if you are careful to double bag first...