Becoming a better person -- the hard way

They say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," and I'm actually starting to believe it. Frightening, huh? When our initial 6- to 7-month wait for a referral turned into 9 months, 10 months, 12 months, and now almost 14 months, I started to lose my grip. You don't have to read too many of my previous posts to see that I was on the edge much of the time. Well, I'm back to a good place, and I'm starting to think that the longer wait has turned out to not be a bad thing. Notice that I'm not going quite so far as saying that it's a GOOD thing, just not all bad. With the longer wait, I have had more time to really absorb how much our lives are going to change. I've had time to read more about adoption, attachment, parenting. I've had time to do more with my friends, my mom, my husband. I've had time to prove myself a little more at the office (and to my new boss), before disappearing for 12 weeks. I've had time to sign up for a Mandarin class. I've had time to do the nursery slowly. I've had time to meet others in the adoption community (some that I've even met online!). Most of all, I've had time to really appreciate how much I'm ready to be a mother and how much we really, really want this child. It sounds simple and obvious -- of course we're ready and want this, why else would we be doing it, right? Of course that's true, but the waiting has heightened the readiness, increased the want. I know we will appreciate our child so much, really appreciate what a gift she will be in our lives. Now if referrals are a huge disappointment again this month, I might take this all back and fall down into the dark hole again. But today, right now, I feel good. Positive. Full of anticipation (and a little panic) about becoming a mother. I'm just going to hold this feeling close for a while and hope it lasts.

I've never been good at the limbo...

I remember 8th grade roller skating parties like they were yesterday. I was really good at roller skating -- I could even skate backwards. Strangely, this never seemed to translate to roller blading, which I basically suck at. But in all my rollergirl glory, I never mastered the limbo. Hated the music, and I couldn't skate under that damn bar other than at the maximum height. And I'm still not good at limbo. Waiting, wondering, having things out of my control... Not my forte' at all. Every time someone asks how the adoption is going, I know they are just being kind and wanting to show interest. Really I do. But I'm out of answers, and I'm losing my ability to grin through it. Part of my melancholy of late stems from my birthday -- always a time of reflection and wondering for me. When I turned 40 last year, I said I didn't need candles on my cake. This was the year where I finally would have it all -- everything I had ever wished for. My husband is, like most, deeply flawed and often drives me crazy. But I adore him like I've never adored anyone, and he continues to be the match for me that I never knew existed. My job is good; I make more money than I thought I would with an MA in advertising. We have a nice home in a great neighborhood, and my friends are the best. This was the year where it would finally come together with the child we have wanted so much. Am I putting too much weight on having a child completing the picture? You bet. I'm sure I am setting myself up for a big dose of post-adoption depression and all that it entails. But I can't help it. I am so ready to be a parent. I have been ready for a long time. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy our life now -- I really do. We've traveled a lot, been extremely social, and really enjoyed our time as a couple. But it's been time to expand our family for a while, and the uncertainty of the timing continues to wear at me and dull the edges of my life. I just feel blank too often. Lethargic and unable to get excited about things in my life, or even in other people's lives. I'm lonely in my sadness, just very lonely. It doesn't help that I'm currently traveling for business. Nothing is lonelier than business travel. Waiting in airports, being on planes, staying in hotels, working from strange offices where nobody knows you. No chit-chat, no coffee talk. OK, it's time to call for a car and order room service. I hope the book I brought is good, so I can escape for a while.

OK, I need to find another topic to blog about for a while... Any suggestions?