Hormonal Holiday Greetings

These holidays have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down. I'm festive! I'm cranky. I'm giddy! I'm numb. It's feeling less like Christmas and more like early menopause most days... Today, I am trying to focus on being festive. We had a lovely, wet snow yesterday; the kind that sticks to the trees and makes everything look postcard perfect for Christmas. And tonight we're having our coffee crowd friends over for cocktails and dessert. I made frozen mint chocolatinis. Mmmmmmm. Of course I had hoped and hoped that we would finally see our daughter's face before Christmas. But that was more about my mother and my in-laws than me. It would have been wonderful to share that moment with them in person, rather than via phone calls and emails. I know we will see her very, very soon, and most of the time I am at peace with that. What has been the most comforting thing to me these last few weeks (and months) is the wonderful online community I have discovered. I was not a blogger, chatter, poster, or any of those things a year ago. Today, some of the people I feel closest to are those I have discovered online. First there is Diana, who is not a true "online friend," since a co-worker introduced me to her. We have gotten to know each other through emails, coffee chats and a mind-numbing 7 weeks of Mandarin classes, and she has been unfailing in her support and kindness. Then there is Emanuel, who posts on my beloved Rumor Queen site. Of course, her posts are less frequent since she came home with her daughter this summer. When I found out she lived in my area, we had lunch, and I drooled over her beautiful girl from Chongqing. Her blog isn't public anymore, but she posts updates and photos often, which is like water in the desert for a waiting Mom like me! And then I met C (whose fabulous blog is PW protected, sorry). She has the same 9-9 LID that I do, and we started commenting on each other's blogs. That turned into a few emails, and now she is a friend that I can't wait to meet in Guangzhou. I so enjoy her intelligence, warmth and snarky sarcasm. Sunnyice discovered my blog a while back, and now she is a blogger too -- my apologies to her husband. We've also met for coffee, and next we're going to introduce the husbands. It's so very match.com... We have a great deal in common, and I can't wait for her to get her referral (her LID is Dec '05) so our girls can play together! Finally, there are the others I hope to meet in China -- Sparky, Kikalee, maybe even American Family. Plus there are so many other bloggers who I've learned so much from, like Chicago Mama, JenEx, Mrs. Figby, Mary Mia (I won't link to you all since most folks know where to find you)... The list is quite long actually. I never thought that I would find the comfort I have in this community. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who have helped me keep my chin up over the past year. Let's all have a joyful New Year, full of hope!

Ho Ho Hoping

So I was all prepared to be doing the "we're next" dance this month, and enjoy the holidays. It has not exactly worked out that way. I learned that some people had essentially been "skipped over" in the last two batches (for a variety of reasons, none of which would affect us in theory). Then, I learned that some people with LIDs after us did receive referrals in the last batch. Now I'm simply worried that all bets are off when it comes to the CCAA. I'm still staying mostly optimistic. I'm not wallowing in uncertainty or despair. But I do have the occasional twinge of what if we don't get a referral in the next batch?, which wouldn't have even occurred to me a month or so ago. My bigger issue seems to be a distinct lack of Christmas spirit this year... Does Christmas become just another day once you've left the nest and before you have kids around? The holidays with my side of the family are so quiet. Since my dad died about 10 years ago, it's just me and my husband, my sister and her husband, and my mom. We eat, drink and open presents, but it just feels a little empty, and very quiet. Now, with my husband's family, it's a different story. There are four kids in the picture (his sister's kids), and more siblings and spouses. It's just noisy and hectic and feels more like it should. It makes me sad, because my mother used to be all about Christmas. Contributing small amounts to a Christmas Club account all year so she could buy us nice gifts, putting up the tree right after Thanksgiving, bringing out cherished Christmas albums (Vienna Boys Choir at the top of the heap), planning the Christmas Eve buffet... And she would love to have the hectic chaos that I get to enjoy at my in-laws. But, like me, biological kids weren't in the picture for her. So she and my dad adopted their two girls (i.e. my sister and I), rather than having the big brood of kids I know she dreamed about. Not that she doesn't love my sister and I -- we are close, and we couldn't love each other more, really... But it's not the family she dreamed of, which I definitely understand. I'm forever struggling with expectations vs. reality. Just because a situation isn't quite how you expected, doesn't mean it isn't liveable, or even sometimes quite wonderful. When we first struggled with the oh-so-annoying "unexplained infertility," I would cry whenever a new friend or co-worker announced their pregnancy. I whined and moaned and "why me'd" day and night. I was so angry, so incredibly angry. Now, at 41 (ouch, hurts to type that number), I am amazed at how I have come to peace with our journey to becoming a family. I'm not sure other people quite believe me when I say that I'm happy that this is the route we are on to become a family. I'm no longer sad or angry when other people announce a pregnancy. In fact, getting pregnant at this point would initially upset me greatly; even break my heart a little. I'm just so excited about our little girl. I'm scared about some of the issues involved in International Adoption, but it's actually a good scared. I know we're not completely prepared, but we're getting there. It comes down to what feels right, and this feels right to me now. It feels like this is what we were meant to do -- how we were meant to become a family. Just like my parents, and how they grew their family. I can't imagine having any other parents. And I can't imagine having any other child than the one we're waiting for right now. What I think really deflated my holiday bubble are the new regulations announced by CCAA. They might mean that we are not able to add to our family after daughter #1. The new age requirements might rule us out -- and by just a week or two. I'm trying not to get too discouraged, and there still might be a chance. And I do believe that people who want to expand their family, and who are ready and able to do so, find a way to make it happen. That's not a bad holiday wish to hang on to. On that note, I think I'll go curl up on the couch with my husband and watch It's a Wonderful Life for the 100th time.

The "Looking on the Bright Side" Post

Have you ever felt that if you didn't have bad luck, you'd have no luck at all? Well, our log-in date was September 9, 2005. The official update posted last night by the China Center for Adoption Affairs (CCAA) showed a cut-off of September 8, so we missed this batch of referrals by a day. Yep. One day. So this is the point where we focus on the bright sides, right? Actually, I'm more than a little surprised to find us quite able to focus on the positives. In fact, it has been like a weight off of our shoulders. We know we are next. That sounds like such a simple phrase, but only other waiting parents really get what it means to KNOW you are next. C really said it best -- "We're the nextest next you can get. No one--I mean no one!--is more next than we are!" There are other bright sides of course. First, we pretty much know the rough time frame when we'll travel - late Feb/early March, which makes FMLA time off much easier to plan. Second, flights are cheaper after Chinese New Year. And, in chilly Minnesota, being on leave in March/April/May is slightly better than Feb/March/April since we might actually have a few days where we can be outside. There's a conference I had hoped to attend in the beginning of Feb. And my friends who want to throw showers can actually have a little planning time to do so. We're going to try to relax and enjoy the holiday season. I might even do the full tree thing. Just knowing, really knowing that we'll see her face for the first time sometime shortly after Christmas makes it so real. So solid and reassuring. I'm no Pollyanna, really, but I'm feeling so good about things right now I have truly surprised myself. This roller coaster ride is over. OK, don't laugh, I do know that there are many ups and downs to come in parenting -- more than I can possibly imagine. But this particular ride is finally coming to a close.