Happy Birthday Baby!

Today, our daughter has her first birthday. DiDi is one. This is not going to be a long post, because I cannot dwell on the fact that we are missing this day. This big day. It is too hard to think about for any amount of time. I can't linger on the firsts we have missed, just on the ones we will actually get to experience. I can't do anything about the former, so I will try to focus on the latter. We are celebrating with her in spirit, and I am even baking a cake. For those of you who know me at all, you can pick your jaw right up off the floor. It's from a mix, ok?! I may even take a little photo of it to share the hilarity with you tomorrow. If you are reading this on the 30th, please take a moment to send good thoughts and wishes her way. I hope her care package made it in time. I hope they do something special for her today. I hope she gets extra attention and love. I hope a lot of things. Happy Birthday, my love. We will finally see you very, very soon. * Regarding the photo, I am clearly not a computer graphics wizard, ok? Don't mock me too much...

Retro Friday

Wow, two posts in one day. Never happened before, unlikely to happen again... I was checking in with Mrs. Figby, and I see a reference to Retro Friday. While I can't top her hilarious photo, I will share this one of me. My mother sent this to me shortly after we got our referral, and I forgot about it until I saw the Retro Friday reference. Damn, I was a cute kid, wasn't I? What in the world do you suppose I am thinking in this shot?!

Ups and Downs

I'm certainly familiar with ups and downs after 16 months of them during our wait for referral. And in theory, I knew they would continue (and will continue once we are home), but knowing this doesn't seem to make it any easier. And some of the downs are actually unrelated to the adoption, although it is magnifying their impact... Downs for the week:

1. I may not be getting my annual bonus from my employer. I recognize that we have had a horrible sales year (my company is primarily in the mortgage industry), but employees have always been reassured that 2/3 of our bonus is based SOLELY on our own performance, completely independent of company performance. Bonuses are a big chunk of many people's salaries -- for me it is more than 20%. And they come out the second pay period in Feb. To wait until the month before to potentially yank these funds is just unconscionable. Coming at the beginning of my leave (i.e. travel expenses and time off without pay, other than some PTO), it is a double blow. We will recover, but it is a huge shock. I am sick to my stomach, and at this point I just want to know one way or another if it is happening.
2. TAs seem to have come for 80-90% of this past referral batch, but not for our agency. This means that we will be at the back of the line for getting a good date for our Consulate Appointment (i.e. soon after Chinese New Year). This is a big down for two reasons. First and foremost, it means a longer wait to meet our daughter and bring her home. I know it is just a matter of weeks, and for those who are still waiting, that seems minor. But for us it is not. Second, it might keep me from meeting some of my online/blogging friends. If we travel quite a bit later, we might completely miss them, and that would break my heart a little. As I mentioned previously, this group has become like family to me, and Guangzhou might be my only chance to meet some of these wonderful people (Corinne, Katie, Sparky, Kikalee, Am Family...).
3. The stress of #1, combined with the general "we are so not ready" panic that has set in at our house, has made R and me cranky and easily irritated by each other's every word. We know this is a time when we need each other's support, and we need to treat each other very kindly. And yet, we are not. We're working on it though.
4. The contractor who will be backing me up while I'm out on leave started this week. She's great, very capable, very take charge and digging right in. Sounds like an up, right? Well, it has ended up being a harsh reminder to me of several things -- first, that I've become a little lazy at work and am coasting a bit; second, that I have fallen behind in a few technology-related things (normally a strong suit for me), and third, that I've lost a good chunk of my sense of style. Don't laugh! She's stylish in a funky in a non-threatening way (no attitude or pretention about fashion), and I'm finding myself envious that she clearly has a signature style. I'm pretty sure I used to...

Ups for the week:

1. My travel mate, Karin. As I was writing #2 above about TAs, she emailed me this: Don't get bummed out yet! [Our agency] is very particular in what days of the week they schedule the CA appts for, and with our small group (4 families), they will get us in! This is my educated guess...if they try and schedule our consulate appt on a Thursday (which they kind-of referenced at one time with the extended stay in Guangdong Province), then maybe they will shoot for a CA on March 15. We will need to be in country at least 14 days prior to that (I am planning for a 17 day trip), so that would mean travel at last week of February. That is what I am going to hope for until I am told something different! Why can't I be like this?! Bless her heart, the message cheered me up. And I'm just ignoring the part about 17 days in Guangzhou, ok?!
2. My husband is adorable. A big up. Despite my comments in #3 above, I have been so happy with R as a "father to be" since our referral. He had really disengaged about things over the past few months. When I would try to show him other referral photos or relate stories about another family's time in China, his response was generally "if it's not about our referral/daughter, it doesn't really matter." It was worrying me, but ever since we saw our daughter's face, he has kicked into full-on father mode. He talks to her picture, has started reading some of her books (with voices no less!), and just generally has become "fully engaged and with the program" guy.
3. I worked out before I went into the office this morning and took home half of my lunch in a doggie bag. Baby steps, but ones I need to keep taking.
4. We have a nice weekend ahead -- happy hour with friends downtown at a jazz club tonight, coffee and shopping with LimboForLibby tomorrow, and lunch with our travel group on Sunday.
5. I did two loads of teeny tiny laundry last night. Made me smile.

OK, can you tell I needed to make sure there were more ups than downs? I'm a simple girl with simple needs...

Shower-palooza

It's been a whirlwind week, starting with a lovely, evening cocktail shower thrown by my former co-workers, a Sunday brunchy shower with family and friends, and a Monday shower with my current co-workers. It looks like a baby store exploded in the nursery. It was quite overwhelming in the most wonderful way. After years and years of attending baby showers, it didn't seem quite real that it was for me. Really? For me?! And I worried about feeling awkward opening all the gifts in front of everyone, but it seemed ok. It certainly wasn't hard to genuinely ooh and aah over everything. I cannot believe people's thoughtfulness and generosity, starting with my mother and sister. My sister has been shopping for our girl since day one. She is going to be the most amazing aunt. And I think we will have more things to bond over, since she and I aren't always very close. This will be my mother's first grandchild, and she is going completed nuts, in almost completely positive ways. She is not particularly crafty/domestic, but in the past few years, she has embroidered adorable tea towels for me and my sister, which is an amazing feat for her. She actually took photos to prove she made them! She definitely outdid herself for a shower gift. She hand embroidered an intricate and gorgeous Noah's Arc quilt -- had the quilting on the back handdone by a friend. I am not a crier, and I cried like a little baby. It is beyond description. My friend Kim will be my daughter's godmother, and she could not attend the shower (lives 7 hours away and has two small children herself), but she sent the stunning mother/daughter bracelet from Red Envelope (says mother and daughter in English on one side and Chinese on the other). Plus, the very fun Good Fortune Blocks, also from Red Envelope. We're going to employ them on our daughter's 100th day with our family, which is as close as we can get to the original tradition. I had to laugh at some of the "career callings" on the blocks -- should we hope for teacher, umpire or yoga instructor? A final treasure is a piece of Chinese peasant art that a dear friend bought recently in China and gave to us as a shower gift. It is a painting called "Mother and Child," and the style and colors are completely captivating. I couldn't bring myself to put it in the nursery, so it is front and center in the dining/living room where I can look at it all the time. What a unique and priceless gift. And I have to say that blogging buddies are the best. Not only did the dear Diana bring lovely items to the cocktail shower (adorable outfit, bear and fluffy bath towel), but she also brought me the most precious package with custom stickers, memo pad and travel journal, all with YuanDi's photo on them. Plus a onesie with a hand-beaded ladybug on the front. SO cute. And LimboForLibby brought us the Calin Yang doll, which I just adore. In fact, my mother rocked Calin in the nursery so much that it was making me nervous (she knows it's a doll, right?). It's YuanDi's first doll, and it's just perfect. I would post more photos but Blogger is being a pain today and will only let me upload the tornado of stuff photo above... So, I'm sighing and smiling at my beyond-wonderful family and friends. I'm completely out of adjectives. Drained. Oh, except for "holy crap," when I heard that some people in our referral batch just got their TAs and leave next week. Next week?! I am SO not ready yet! Holy crap!

Nesting

It was wonderful to have a 3-day weekend to get more organized and make some progress on de-cluttering our house. If our girl is walking, we'd better be ready! OK, I really don't think she's going to be walking at 13 months, but I want to be prepared just in case. We've started on our care package, which we are trying to keep very small at the recommendation of our agency. Sounds like most of the mail to our SWI is delivered via bicycle, and anything more than a large padded envelope may be delayed or not delivered at all. So we settled on a small blankey/lovey (not sure if the bodiless duck is cute or creepy, but the size is right), a teething book, a photo album, two disposable cameras and a letter with a short list of questions for the nannies. Plus, I think I'm going to add some candy for the nannies to share. I would love to include toys for the other children, but I can't come up with a way to do that and keep it to an envelope-sized package. The book is very fun, even though my husband teased me for buying our little girl a "John Deere" book. It doesn't have words, just adorable farm animal illustrations. The pages are stuffed with crinkle paper, so very fun and tactile. The pig page has a squeaker, the sheep page has a rattle/bell, and it has a teething toy on a thick bungee in a back pocket of the book. I think it's precious. Speaking of precious, I was surprised when the highchair we agreed on was the in-your-face pink Prima Pappa. I love the way it looks in the kitchen -- a big ol' obstacle announcing that a baby is finally on the way! It's full-on baby assault in the next week with a shower Thursday night, one Sunday afternoon, and one thrown by my co-workers next Monday. It's overwhelming, and I always struggle with the onslaught of gifts. We so sincerely appreciate every item that is given to us, but it is hard to express that sincerity over several hours of opening gifts. The reality of it all is hitting home. Hard. Could not sleep last night, and sleep is my #1 talent. Somehow, I don't think that part is going to get better...

But What Will She Wear?!

This question is a running joke in my family. I have practiced extensive retail therapy during our 16-month wait, but I've done it pretty frugally. First, I have had extremely generous friends who have given us lots of lovely things. Second, I am an end-of-season clearance connoisseur, and I have found so many great bargains. I couldn't resist this today. It's Baby LuLu and SO yummy. And it's the first thing I've allowed myself to buy in a 12 month size. Based on YuanDi's updated medicals, she's still pretty small (but right on target for her age in China). I haven't thrown all reason out the window, it was half price!

Hard to find the words

To say that the past few days have been overwhelming is, of course, a gross understatement. Wednesday was a blur, accented by a bad cold on my part. Getting the call went pretty much as I expected, and yet it was still such a unique experience. After years of waiting, to suddenly be a family of three because of a phone call is unreal to say the least. One of the biggest surprises is that so many adoptive parent concepts that I scorned have turned out to be true. The first surprise is that the pain of waiting has all but evaporated. I will never forget how hard it was to wait to see her face, but the mental and emotional weight of that pain is gone. People said it would happen, and it made me crazy when they said it. But it turned out to be thankfully true. The second surprise is the depth of feeling that was inspired by her picture. I know it is a complete cliche', but she is just ours. We felt immediately that she was our child. I'm not saying we wouldn't have had those same feelings if she had been a different child, a different photo, but the fact is that we felt like we knew her right away. And I do love her already. It's not the same type of intense, bonded mother-child love that I hope to build over time. But it is a love. And more of an intense love than I expected. A final surprise has been how positive my online sharing experience has been. I have heard horror stories about blog stalkers and crazy internet posters, and I almost didn't put her name and photo on the blog. But other referral photos have meant so much to me during the wait, I couldn't bear to hold back. And the response has been so gratifying. All of your lovely comments and support are appreciated more than you could ever know. Right now, I just feel so loved. I am not a gushy, sweety-pie gal generally, but this experience is bringing out that side of me. My family and friends have showered us with glowing accounts of her beauty, endless offers to babysit, and best wishes for our trip. Let's see if this feeling can be sustained while waiting for our travel approval...

Cutest. Baby. Ever!

We got the call today at 10:17 a.m. that we have a daughter! Lian Yuan Di was born January 30, 2006, and she is waiting for us at Lian Jiang Welfare Institute in Guangdong. Yuan means "primary "or "original," and Di means "to lead." I'm sure she will soon be the primary leader at our house! Check out how she has her fingers crossed. Us too -- we are so lucky! Her last medical exam was 11-03-2006 (which is our anniversary), and she weighed 18-1/2 pounds and was 27 inches long, which is right on track for that age. I just want to pick her up and hug her. The interesting thing is that she looks so much like my husband's baby pictures. As soon as I saw her, I knew her. I know this baby. It was surreal in the most wonderful way. Now, I can’t believe we have to wait two months to bring her home… Congratulations to everyone who became parents today, and my thoughts are with those who just missed the cutoff. I definitely know how much that hurts.

Ready for a New Year!

I feel like I am waking up from a long, sometimes bad dream. I'm not quite fully awake, but I'm getting there. After the months and months of waiting, it is finally almost here. We should see our baby's face this week, probably on Wednesday. I can't believe it, and it doesn't always seem real. Maybe her face will make it seem real? I hope so. A friend summed it up well on her blog when she said that sometimes "getting a referral" just seems like the next step of things that happen to people on the internet. This statement really hit home for me. I've become pretty engaged in the online adoption community, and it has been a positive and supportive experience. It has truly sustained me during the last few months of the wait. On the downside, it does take some of the reality away from the whole situation. I need to remind myself that she is real, a real child. Our child. Not just a photo to post on my blog. It sounds idiotic, I know. Of course she is real, right?! I've spent so much energy trying to restrain my emotions the last few months, I am not sure I will know how to let them out. But it is a new year. A new start. The beginnings of a new family. I smile just writing that word -- family. There will finally be three of us. She will be here, in our home and in our arms. What happier thought could there possibly be right now? Just a few more days, and our new year will really begin...